pointless

My life = pointless. A waste of time, food, air, and space. Nobody has any idea whats been going through my head. And how hurt I am about everything. The abortion, my "sisters", Nigel, the conversation I just had with Rashod. Everything. And to think that Rashod is the reason that Nigel's pissed at me. grrr. He's such a waste of time. I'm through with him. I mean it. I've had enough of him trying to tell me whats gonna happen next in my life. I've had enough of him telling me that he knows me better than I know myself. Of him trying to make me feel worthless, stupid, and insignificant. I've had enough of trying to explain myself to Nigel. Of begging him to talk to me. Of pouring my heart out to him just for him to hang up the phone on me or put up an away message in mid-conversation and completely disregard every word I told him. I've had enough of the bullshit at my job, and the drama that Shelby, Margarett, Cindy, Bev are all stirring up for no reason at all. I've had enough of guys that only know my name telling me how much they like me and that I should give them a chance -- knowing that all they want is to get in my pants. I've had enough of trying to pretend that Theta Phi Alpha still actually means something to mean. Of wearing those expensive ass letter shirts and acting like I still take pride in being a part of that organization. Of acting like any of the members of the organization actually give a shit whether or not I take pride in those letters anymore. It used to mean soo much to me. I still dont understand what i did to them. I've had enough of my baby brother. Not because he did anything wrong to me, but because I can't help but to look at him and wonder what my baby would have looked like. To think that right now, I should have a 2 month old child in my arms. I dont care if Nigel didnt want it. My real dad didnt want me either. The only person that never did me wrong and I killed them before they even got the chance to take a breath. I've had enough of being ignored. But it seems as though every time someones actually willing to listen - they only hear what they wanna hear, and end up getting pissed off at me. I've accepted the fact that life brings pain. But damnit CAN I JUST BE HAPPY AND STAY THAT WAY?!! WHAT DID I DO SOOO BAD THAT EVERYTIME THINGS START TO GO WELL IN MY LIFE IT HAS TO GET COMPLETELY FUCKED UP?!!?! I need to get away before I do something stupid.